White coat. Heels.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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