Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
