I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
