It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
