I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
