I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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