That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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