just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my shit smells like andre
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
