We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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