I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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