You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
