She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
