I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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