If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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