I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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