So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
