Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
