Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
