Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
