Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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