Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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