I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
