I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
