I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
