did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
