I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
