I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
