I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
