You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
