If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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