I think my vagina is haunted
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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