My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
