there's paper in my vomit.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
