i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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