if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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