So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
