I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
