Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Sorry about my life...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
