I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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