Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
