WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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