I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
