If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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