you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
