I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
