my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
