you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
