John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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