Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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