i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
