I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
